For all the husbands confused about what to do if you catch your wife cheating.
There’s no mistaking it.
While a computer game’s sound is often an important part of the playing experience, you’ll want to turn the sound off completely if you want to avoid getting caught playing a game. The sounds of your game will tip off anyone in earshot, and you won’t be able to hear anyone approaching from other parts of the house or office. Kelly's Trapped In The Closet but feeling guilty because he's a scumbag? Twitter user @TheeDreadGod (a true master of the Twitter 'story time') is here with what can almost be considered a real-life version of the R&B singer's series. This dramatic twitter thread is full of twists, turns, and a whole lot of pizza. If you enjoy what you read below, give @TheeDreadGod a.
Infidelity can be one of the most devastating experiences of a person’s life.
Feelings of humiliation, anger, stress, and fear can be overwhelming, and it can be hard for someone to know what to do when cheating hits home.
It can be said that this experience is far more devastating when it happens to a man. Husbands who catch their wives cheating face slightly different challenges than wives dealing with unfaithful husbands.
Here’s what a husband can do when faced with a cheating wife.
Understand That This Was Her Choice
A man’s first instinct may be to blame himself when his wife has an affair. After all, the thinking may go, if he wasn’t so [fill in the blank] or if only he was more [fill in the blank], then she wouldn’t have strayed.
That is absolutely untrue.
The simple fact is, people are responsible for their own behavior. When a partner cheats, that is by choice; no one is forced into it, no matter how much a relationship may be struggling. There are plenty of ways to deal with unhappiness in a relationship without resorting to cheating.
Her infidelity is not your fault.
And don’t accept blame from her, either.
No matter what she says, or what her friends say, do not blame yourself.
You may think that you’re trying to make her happy or persuade her to come back to you. You may think that admitting fault will help move the process of reconciliation forward (if that’s what you want to do).
It does not help your situation. You are the wronged party, here; do not forget that, and resist accepting any blame in this situation.
Acknowledge Her Pain
This may seem counter-intuitive; after all, isn’t she the one causing pain for you and your family?
Yes, she is.
But she is also feeling guilt, shame, and fear.
She knows what she did was wrong.
She probably feels guilty for hurting you.
And she is very likely afraid of what’s going to happen next.
So why worry about her pain?
Because it shows your empathy toward her. Instead of putting her on the defensive (which she very well likely deserves!), acknowledging that there must be some unhappiness on her part that prompted her cheating goes a long way toward the two of you moving forward in putting your lives back together, if that’s what you both want to do.
Don’t mistake acknowledging her pain for forgiving her – that’s a separate issue. There is a difference between treating her with compassion, which can only help you in the long run, and forgiving her.
Don’t settle for her not reciprocating, either!
She needs to understand what kind of toll her infidelity has taken on you. There is no excuse that she could give that would justify her actions.
Her acknowledgement of your pain is essential.
Acknowledge Your Emotions
Men, broadly speaking, are not encouraged to share their feeling with others. The stereotype of the big strong man who doesn’t flinch and never cries is just that, though – a stereotype.
I Caught You In Your Cheating Game Show
Keeping all of the anger, frustration, hurt, and sadness bottled up is dangerous. It’s not good for a man, physically. And it can spill over into other relationships, like with your children, or coworkers.
A betrayed husband must acknowledge these emotions exist in order to begin to deal with them.
Don’t allow yourself to spend too much time imagining what happened. There is a limit as to how productive that is.
Yes, it’s only natural that you would spend a lot of time thinking about how you were hurt and what your wife might have done with the person she cheated with. If you have questions, ask her. Otherwise, give yourself a set period of time to feel those emotions and let your mind wander, and then stop.
Really.
Mentally compartmentalize, otherwise you run the risk of letting these feeling bleed over into other areas of your life where you need to be on your toes.
Give Yourself Space and Time
It is very likely that marital infidelity is the most crushing thing you’ve ever experienced. This is not at all how you planned your life to go.
And that’s an uncomfortable feeling.
It hurts.
And it’s only natural that you want to make that hurt go away as quickly as possible. It is critical for you to understand that pain like this doesn’t last forever. There are feelings of grief and loss and anger that need to be processed, and while you don’t want to dwell on it, you can’t rush it.
Give yourself a chance to deal with these feelings before making life-changing decisions.
Don’t wallow.
This crisis marks a death in a way – a death of the family life you thought you had. And there are phases of grief you’ll go through: denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance.
You’ll feel them all.
Honor them.
And then move on.
If you’re doing all of the other things here, too, you will be ready when the time comes. You’ll have given your relationship the space and time it deserves and then you’ll be ready to move on.
Reach Out for Help
Dealing with a cheating spouse can feel very isolating. The person you counted on most, your partner, has let you down.
You may feel very lonely.
That’s why it’s so important to reach out for help, whether it’s online or in-person; it doesn’t matter.
Don’t face it alone.
Despite what may seem like a lack of talking about it, others have been there. Getting help can assist you with learning from other mens’ mistakes and good decisions. Having someone to talk to can help you clarify your thinking – about your wife, about your marriage, about yourself.
Being clear on your pain and your goals can provide a good foundation for moving forward, either with your wife or by ending the marriage and moving on.
Don’t be tempted to go it alone. The kind of stress that infidelity can put a man under can kill. It’s very tempting to think that you can handle it all by yourself, but it is not a healthy response to this kind of situation.
Isolation can cloud your thinking and meddle with your decision-making ability. You need your wits about you, especially if there’s any suspicion that the relationship is beyond repair and may get contentious in its dismantling, and even more importantly if children are involved.
A husband who’s caught his wife cheating needs to be a the top of his game, making decisions rationally, not emotionally. Having a trusted friend or circle of support can provide a valuable sounding board.
Life As You Knew It is Over
A husband who has discovered that his wife has cheated on him knows full well that life as he knew it is over. While there may be the possibility of reconciliation in the future, at that moment, he is reeling with a tumult of emotions, unsure of what to do.
It’s vitally important that these men practice some self-preservation and self-care in order to maintain their equilibrium as much as possible, and stay clear-headed for the critical decision-making that is to come.
It is a confusing time, to be sure; by keeping his head and relying on the good advice of trusted friends or confidants, he can decide how best to address the situation, either by working on the marriage or ending it.
Cheating is extremely complicated. Not everyone cheats on their partner for the same reason and sometimes there really is seemingly no reason involved at all — it's just simply an opportunity and someone goes for it.
A 2017 survey of infidelity by Trustify found that 22 percent of men and 14 percent of women have cheated, although keep in mind that some people won't admit to infidelity so the number could be even higher. But if you look even further, other experts and studies put those percentages at 20 to 60 percent of couples cheating at least once in their lifetime. But then you have to decide what counts as cheating and what doesn't. Is an emotional affair, with zero physical contact, enough to break a relationship?
As someone who was cheated on, I know all too well the pain, humiliation, and, at least in my case, the feelings of worthlessness that came with it. At first, when I caught him, he dismissed the woman, who was 28 years younger than him, as a friend. Next, I got the 'you're out of your mind' label, followed by, 'well, maybe you're cheating on me.'
But while 'excuses' for cheating run the gamut there are seven in particular things that experts say cheaters tend to turn to when they're caught.
The easiest excuse? Denying it. 'Most cheaters immediately deny wrong doing,' New York–based relationship and etiquette expert of Relationship Advice Forum, April Masini, tells Bustle. 'It’s the easiest excuse to get out of their mouths, quickly. And for victims who are not ready for the truth, that denial may give them relief, at least temporarily. And, if it does bring them relief, they’ll back off, making the denial a great tool for cheaters who don’t want conflict.'
When my husband accused me of being out of my mind for thinking he was cheating, I lost it. Not just because I knew I wasn't, but I'm so tired of men gaslighting women. Gaslighting isn't just messed up, but a form of abuse, and when someone calls your mental stability into question that's exactly what they're doing.
As Masini says, 'Cheaters who try to make accusers think they’re [out of their mind]… will not only deny any wrong doing, but they’ll try to spin the truth to make it seem like the accuser is out of his or her mind and is really losing it.' Basically, gaslighting is designed to make you think your instincts are out of whack, Masini says.
When I was cheated on, this was another 'reason' my husband gave for why he was spending time with this 20-year-old while I was out of town: 'We're just good friends.' But, if I, who was 13 years younger than my husband sometimes struggled to relate, how could he possibly be relating to her, someone 28 years younger than him, and only two years older than his daughter? At least this is what I asked myself, or rather screamed into the void — as I did a lot those few months back in 2015. They weren't just friends.
'Cheaters who have long relationships with their betraying partners, because those partners are work colleagues, spouses of friends or neighbors, for instance, may try to slough off the cheating as a 'just friends' situation,' says Masini. 'They may try to get you to believe that late-night phone calls were innocent, and that receipts from dinners or hotels were simply platonic situations that the accuser is misinterpreting.'
Although love and sex can exist without the other, does it 'just being sex' and 'just happening once' make it OK? It depends on your relationship, tolerance, and ability to forgive.
'Cheaters who are caught red-handed and can’t use the denial, gaslighting, or downplaying a relationship to just good friends, may admit to indiscretion, but lie about the frequency and timeline of the illicit relationship,' says Masini. 'This is a very common excuse used by cheaters who have no choice but to admit the indiscretion — but don’t want to admit to all they’ve done wrong.'
'Cheaters who are chronic cheaters may actually end the cheating, or else just tell their partners that they’re ending the cheating… but they don’t,' says Masini. 'They may intentionally lie about ending the affair, or they may intend to end it, but succumb to desire instead. Either way, the excuse, 'It’s over,' doesn’t stick. When victims have heard this excuse more than once, it becomes harder to accept.'
Those words 'chronic cheaters' may be definitely be a red flag. According to a 2017 study published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior, those who cheat once are far more likely to cheat again. The study found that people who cheated in their first relationship were three times more likely to cheat again in future relationships. If you hear 'it's over' and don't believe your partner but want to save the relationship, it may be time to go to therapy.
Again, we have an example of sex being just that: sex. But while that may be true, from a physical aspect, it doesn't erase the fact that deception and betrayal are part of the equation.
'Cheaters who subscribe to the 'don’t ask, don’t tell' mentality, resort to this excuse, 'It didn’t mean anything,' more often than other cheaters,' says Masini. 'They feel that sex is less important than commitment, and therefore having sex outside a relationship, isn’t that big a deal.'
Last, but certainly not least, is the cheater playing the victim to gain sympathy, while promising to sign up for sex addiction therapy, as we've seen so many times with celebrity couples where one partner has cheated. But just because someone cheats, it doesn't necessarily make them sex addict. If anything, claiming such an addiction because one lacks self-control is severely insulting to those who actually struggle with sex addiction.
'Cheaters who, when caught, say, 'I need help!' try to turn the empathy onto themselves, so that they don’t have to take responsibility for their behavior,' says Masini. 'They sometimes ask for sex addiction rehab and try to see themselves as people who cheat because they have no choice. They often liken their cheating to smokers who can’t stop using cigarettes or alcoholics who can’t stop drinking.'
But while these are the most common things cheaters say when they're caught cheating, it's important to take into account the fact that, 'cheating is fluid,' according to Masini. 'Some people think that a partner cheats because they’re playing the field, within the first six or even 12 months of dating — and that person who is considered to be cheating, just hasn’t really felt a commitment so they’re seeing what else is out there. One person may consider that cheating. The other may be dating practically. Same goes for long-distance relationships that are long-term — and especially those without a formal commitment.' That's why it's important to establish boundaries and communicate with your partner.
I Caught You In Your Cheating Gameplay
A partner cheating on you is definitely not your fault and while there's no surefire way to prevent something as complicated as infidelity — since it happens for so many different reasons — the best thing you can do is talk to your partner about your relationship status, your expectations, and what you consider cheating.